TAPLINK

Support for
Pennsylvania
Adoptive & Foster Families

Taproot issue 40 - June 2001

Books can be a mirror, reflecting people your child can identify with or a window, proving opportunities to step into someone else’s shoes. Reading is also a safe way to explore issues without personalizing them. Being able to have some distance from a challenging topic may help your child think about the issues more clearly. Here is a simple three-part method to help you use books to talk about the core issues that predictably occur in adoptive families.

1. Select a story about a child dealing with one of life’s deeper or more challenging issues. Anything from the loss of a pet, to trying to fit in at school. to feeling parents are not being fair. The book does not have to be about adoption or race to deal with core issues for your child. What you are looking for is something your child will be touched by or excited about, a story to jump start conversation. Create a cozy, quiet atmosphere where nothing sort of an emergency on the level that the house is burning down around you will disturb your special time to read together. Cuddle in and take all the time in the world to read the book you’ve chosen to your child. The setting should feel intimate and very, very safe.

2. Talk with your child exclusively about the characters in the story to understand his feeling about the plot and personalities. “How did you like it when the boy did that?” What do you think he could have done differently?” Do you think his friend made a good choice?” After awhile when the conversation comes to a natural end, think about whether you and your child have already gone deeply enough with the discussion that has happened so far. If you want to take it further, lean back in your chair and say something like…

3. “Gee, this story reminds me of the time in my own life when…” Then slowly tell a story from your personal history and be sure to include a deep description of how you were feeling during the time the story happened. For example “did I ever tell you about the time when I was a little kid and my dog got hit by a car?” Your description of your emotions will likely have a lot of impact on your child. Answer all of his questions. Then gently, ask if the story in the book reminds him of anything that every happened in his life. If the mood has been set and he feels truly safe to share, you are likely to be amused at when you hear next. Listen with every pore of your body. When he is finished, hold him close. If it seems appropriate, talk about his story and asks question. You may find out how he really feels about things that you didn’t even know he was thinking about!

From: PACT, An Adoption Alliance