TAPLINK

Support for
Pennsylvania
Adoptive & Foster Families

Taproot issue 41 - November 2001

Some children develop the perception that they are responsible for what happened to them. They believe that if one event happened after another event, the first event caused the second. If a child cried and dad hit mom, the child may feel responsible. Children can develop a deep sense of guilt and shame if they interpret their life circumstances to be their fault.

FACTS INTERRUPT UNREALISTIC FANTASIES

Without knowledge of the circumstances surrounding his or her adoption, a child can develop unrealistic fantasies involving birthparents, former foster parents, or his or her new adoptive family.

Good Mom/Bad Mom fantasies: Unable to deal with the negative emotions about his or her birthmother, a child may convince him-or herself that the birthmother is the kind, giving mother and the foster mother or adoptive mother is the mean, abusive, scary mother.

Good Memories Turn Bad fantasies: All children who must relinquish their first love (a birthmother or foster mother) risk a particular problem with fantasy life. In memory, they turn an attachment that was good into one that was bad. A happy memory of a loving foster parent can be seared as the child is forced to break that attachment during the move to the adoptive home. The pain of separation and loss creates the fantasy that the loving person was mean and rejecting.

FACTS HELP SORT OUT LOYALTIES

If communication about adoption is not part of the adoptive family life, a child can develop confusion and conflict when emotions about birthparents remain and new emotions regarding the adoptive family emerge. A youngster whose family did not discuss any adoption related issues one day blurted out to his adoptive parents, “What do I do about you? I still love my birthmom and birthdad. What am I supposed to do about how I feel about you?” This family needed to share the facts about their son’s adoption and assure him that it is possible to love more than one set of parents.

Establishing identity is not something that happens only during a certain period in a child’s life. According to Joyce Maguire Pavo, Ph.D., adoption therapist and author, “Identity issues are an ongoing. Adoptees, especially those who have little to no information about where they came from, are aware that they don’t have the genetic information they need to really sort out their identity. They base the sorting they do on their adoptive family-but that’s not necessarily where they get their abilities, interests, and personality traits.

Having little or no knowledge about one’s genetic background and/or medical history can add to a sense of disconnectedness. One adoptee summed her feelings like this: “Where did I get my red hair? What nationality am I? What kind of body am I growing into? What talents or special skills are in my family line? What hidden illnesses may show up in my life? These questions follow me as I move into adulthood. I feel like I am walking around with gaps and holes in my life that I cannot fill without answers.”

Giving adopted children the facts about their history is important for emotional and psychological health and development. As parents deal with their 9 to 12 year old, the following tips may be helpful.

1. Don’t force your child to discuss issues, but let him or her know you are comfortable and available when he or she is ready.

2. Let your child know he or she can love both sets of parents.

3. Let your child know that you are not threatened or angry about birth family questions.