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Taproot issue 41 - November 2001

Some Universal Laws For Raising Decent Teens

By Jeff Herring

A couple asks: “We have two children who are about to enter teenage years. Their ages are 10 and 12. We have had little trouble so far and would like to keep it that way. Are there any general guidelines for parents of teenagers?”

These parents are asking for assistance before any problems arise, wisely thinking preventively. Raise up children in the way they should go, according to a proverb, and when they are old they will not depart from it. I’d go so far as to offer them universal laws on the raising of teenagers.

Here’s a sampling of some of these universal laws.

Law of Belonging. The greatest need of teenagers (after music and the phone) is a strong sense of belonging. They need to feel they are a part of something bigger than themselves. If they don’t get it in a healthy place – with family, worthwhile friends, clubs, sports, youth groups, etc. – they will get it in an unhealthy place – with inappropriate friends, drugs, gangs or cults. 

Law of Hope. Recent statistics show that the only age group in which the suicide rate is rising is adolescence. This is the direct result of a lack of hope – hope for the future, hope that things will get better.

Law of Power. Once you enter into a power struggle with a teen, you have already lost. Remember the closing line of the movie “War and Games”: “Interesting game..the only winning move is not to plan.

Law of Control. Trying to control a teen is like trying to put pants on a gorilla. It’s just going to frustrate you and really irritate the gorilla.

Law of Management. A management approach in raising teens put parents clearly in charge. The goal is to manage the teens eventually out of your lives, and into their own.

Law of Voice. In a well-functioning family, teens almost always get a voice. They just don’t always get to vote. Violate either side of this equation and you’ve got trouble.

Law of Modeling. If you don’t want your teen doing something, don’t do it yourself. Teens have very strong and sensitive “hypocrisy meters,” and are eager to use them.

Law of Punishment. Punishment often springs from anger. Punishment breeds resentment and a desire for revenge. Teens have many creative ways to retaliate.

Law of Consequences. Consequences teach teens about the real world. Conse- quences need to be reasonable, respectful, swift and strong enough to get the teen’s attention.

Law of Structure, Part I. Parents need to set boundaries and structure from Day One. If you don’t do this while they are young, what makes you think they will obey a curfew once they have a car?

Law of Structure, Part II. Child therapist Art Cleveland says: “We tend to over- structure the time of children and under-structure the time of teenagers.” Teens need boundaries and structure just as much as children do, if not more.

Law of 20 Feet. This law states that, at a certain age, you must walk at least 20 feet away from your teen if you are in a public place. Thirty feet is you’re in the mall.

I hope these laws get you started on managing the teen years.

Tressler Family Connections, November/December 1999