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Taproot issue 41 - November 2001
Creating Sexual Safety in Foster
Care
Current estimates of sexual abuse among children
entering foster care range from 75 to 85 per cent. Given this high incidence,
foster care personnel as well as foster families must understand the facts
of sexual abuse and the role they play in the healing process. Since sexual
abuse is the ultimate betrayal of the adult-child relationship, the primary
therapeutic resource available to sexually abused children is understanding,
committed foster families willing to accept the challenge of these special
needs children can successfully parent them and become the central ingredient
of their recovery from past trauma.
Three factors must be present
if foster families are to be able to successfully parent these children:
(1) comprehensive training regarding the dynamics of sexual abuse, the
special needs of sexually abused children, and specific parenting skills
(2) complete information about the child’s background and behavior, including
the specifics of the sexual abuse and the child’s background and behavior,
including the specifics of the sexual abuse and the child’s emotional
and behavioral reactions to it; and (3) professional support services
before, during, and after placement.
A few words about sexual vocabulary
Although
the use of the appropriate sexual vocabulary (genitals, penis, vagina,
breasts, etc.) is recommended, it is important to demonstrate to the child
that as an adult you are not shocked by the ‘street’ terms (dick, pussy,
rod, butt, boobs, etc.), have heard them before, and are not intimidated
by hearing these terms used. In addition, there are many children in care
who have not been exposed to appropriate sexual terminology. Later and
when appropriate, the parent will explain to the child that while they
are not intimidated by hearing these commonly used sexual terms, and can
comfortably say them too, these words are often used to show disrespect
for parts of one’s own and another person’s body and are often said to
exploit, intimidate, groom, victimize, dehumanize, and demean another.
Creating sexual safety:
VERBALLY ASSURE
THE CHILD OF FOSTER PARENT’S DESIRE TO PROTECT HIM/HER AND THAT HE/SHE
WILL NOT BE SEXUALLY VICTIMIZED IN HIS/HER NEW HOME.
For example:
“We want to keep you
safe from harm and sexual abuse in this home. In this home, grown-ups
aren’t sexual with children, children aren’t sexual with grown-ups
and children aren’t sexual with each other. You will not be sexually
or physically abused here and you will not be able to sexually abuse
or hurt anyone else. This includes the dog and the cat. Everyone is
safe from harm and abuse in this family -Dad and I, you, the other
kids, and our family pets.”
DISCUSS THE CHILD’S
NEED FOR PRIVACY AND HOW THE FAMILY WILL PROTECT THIS NEED.
For example:
“Grown-ups have a right
to privacy and kids have a right to privacy, too. You have private
areas on your body-like your genitals and breasts (vagina, penis,
etc.)-and no one has the right to touch those parts or put their hands
on you or in your pants except you. If anyone does that, it is your
responsibility to tell me.” “There are also places in the house where
you can have privacy-your bedroom, and the bathroom-and when you are
in your bedroom with the door closed, people have to knock first to
get permission to come in. And if they come in, the bedroom door is
to remain open. If you are in the bathroom peeing or pooping or taking
a bath, the door will be closed so you can do that in private and
we won’t come in without your permission. And if you see a closed
door, you can’t open it without knocking first and asking permission
to open the door.”
CLEARLY STATE, AS APPROPRIATE, WHEN AND WERE VAROUS
FAMILY MEMBERS MEET THEIR OWN SEXUAL NEEDS, ESPECIALLY IF THERE ARE OTHER
CHILDREN IN THE HOME.
For example:
“The only members of
this family who have sex with each other are Mom and Dad. We do this
in private, in our bedroom and always with the door closed. The thought
of having sex with a child is grossly offensive to me and to Mom.
Mom and I are a tight sexual unit and there is nothing you can do
to involve us sexually with you or any other children in our home.”
“If Julie or Ted (other
children in the home) want to touch (including excessive scratching)
in their own private parts, they do that in private, alone in their
own bedrooms, with the door closed. Children do not touch their private
parts in public areas of our home, like the living room, den, dining
room, etc.”
RECOGNIZE THAT THE
CHILD MAY HAVE INITIAL DIFFICULTY IN ACCEPTING THAT HE/SHE IS SAFE.
For example:
“You probably don’t believe all this,
and figure you have to find out on your own if what I say is true.
For example, if you try to kiss me on the mouth and lick my face,
I will tell you to stop, that I don’t want you to kiss me that way.
And if you touch me in my private areas, I will take your hand away
and remind you that in this family, children and adults aren’t sexual
with each other.”
Rules
for sexual safety:
Some suggested
rules to include in a family sexual safety plan. These would be put in
writing and signed by everyone:
I understand that
Before I go into another
person’s bedroom, I must get permission first.
2. If no one is home
to give me permission to enter their room, I am not to go I into another’s
bedroom. Evan if I have permission to enter another’s room, I will
not go through their things. I will not open someone else’s mail.
When visiting another
person’s bedroom, the door must be open.
If my foster parent(s)
talk with me in my bedroom, the door must be open.
Undressing is allowed
only in my bedroom and in the bathroom with the door closed.
I will dress appropriately
around the house. I will always wear a robe or a t-shirt over my underclothes.
I will not walk around with just underclothes or shorts without a
t-shirt.
Everyone sleeps in his/her
own bed.
Children do not sleep
in the same bedroom with the foster parents, unless younger than one
year old. Sleeping arrangements while traveling will be discussed
with the caseworker prior to the trip.
If the bathroom door
is closed, there is to be only one person in the bathroom at a time.
Specific exceptions to this item are as follows:_________________
There will be no sexual
play and sexual touching that includes, playing doctor, nurse, or
things like that.
From presentation May 14, 2001-Kailua, HI, Wayne Duehn,
PhD, Profession of Social Work, University of Texas, Arlington
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