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Adoptive & Foster Families

Taproot issue 42 - May 2002

By Ellen Cirino (C 2002)

After raising three sons, Ellen Cirino turned to foster parenting in the early 1990s. Since becoming a foster mom (and then being “promoted” to therapeutic foster parent status), Ellen has cared for more than 20 foster children in her Long Island, New York home. In addition to parenting, Ellen’s favorite pursuits include watching NASCAR racing, swimming with dolphins, and writing. She has published numerous articles about her experiences, and her book, Foster Parents Survival Manual, is available through Arvin Publications (817-784-3803; www.arvinpublications.com). Ellen can be reached by e-mail at fostermothers@aol.com

Carlos became the baby of our family when he joined the teenage boys in my therapeutic foster home in 1994. At the time, he was a bouncing eight-year-old who had a lot of energy. He managed to keep all of us on our toes, and under a safe umbrella of structure, his undesirable behaviors gradually vanished and he flourished as part of the family.

Though Carlos was legally free for adoption when he was placed with me, he was not quite ready to be adopted until he was almost 14. Then, several months after his adoption was finalized, he asked if I could find out where his birth mother was buried. At some point we both remember being told that his birth mom had passed away, but neither of us remembers when or by whom. We certainly had no idea that my son’s simple request would start us on an emotional roller coaster.

My initial research into finding burial information led me to the New York City Health Department. I wrote to them explaining the circumstances, and asked for the location of Carlos’s birth mother’s gravesite. In a few weeks, I got a letter back. The letter said that because Carlos was adopted, he was not entitled to that information.

I was livid beyond description.

Not being one to accept injustice quietly, I immediately sent an impassioned e-mail message to every city official and news station I could think of. Soon, Steve Livingstone, a news producer from WABC-TV, Channel 7 (an ABC affiliate that covers New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut) said he wanted to help. We called back and forth many times in the next few days, and I learned that, without his birth mother’s social security number, Carlos and I probably wouldn’t be able to find her grave.

Channel 7 sent a reporter and cameraman to our house and interviewed Carlos and me about our quest to find his birth mother’s grave. They planned to air the story on the 5 o’clock news the next day. Our hope was that the story would generate a public outcry against the policies that denied a child the right to pay his respects to his deceased mother. Then maybe we could get the information we needed.

The next day, just a few hours from air time, I asked Steve to try to contacting some of the tenants in the building where Carlos’s mother last lived. Maybe someone there might remember when she died or where the funeral was. We both knew it was a long shot, but he agreed to try it anyway.

In less than an hour, Steve discovered that there was no burial site. Carlos’s birth mother was very much alive. On just his third call, Steve reached Carlos’s aunt, and she agreed to get in touch with Carlos’s birth mother. Carlos’s birth mother called Steve just 10 minutes later. Needless to say, he did not air our story.

When he called me with the news about Carlos’s birth mom, Steve chose his words very carefully, but I was still dumbfounded when I hung up the phone. It was 4:15 p.m. Carlos would be in front of the television at 5 o’clock to see his news story. Reeling from the sudden adrenaline rush, I needed time to absorb the news so I told Carlos that the story had been postponed until the next day.

There was never a question in my mind that I would tell Carlos the news, and I knew in my heart that I had no choice. After dinner, he and I went out to the deck by the pool, and I told him that his birth mother was alive.

The next morning we received another call from Steve. He wanted to see how we were handling the startling information, and he had another proposal. While talking with Carlos’s birth mother, Steve had suggested that the station could run a story about her reunification with Carlos after almost nine years. She had agreed.

After much thought and family discussion, we agreed to meet with Carlos’s birth mother at the television station in New York City the following week. On the appointed day, the whole family packed into the car and we started off. We were about to get on the bridge that goes into Manhattan when my cell phone rang. It was Steve. Carlos’s birth mother had changed her mind and wasn’t going to come.

Trying to make sense of the latest development, we turned the car around and started to head back home. One of the boys suggested that we stop at an amusement park. We spent the rest of the very long day trying to distract Carlos, but his deep disappointment over- whelmed us all.

Back at home; I let Carlos decide if he wanted to talk to his birth mom on the phone. He called her about a week later, and they now speak regularly on the phone. She has not, however, made any attempt to meet with Carlos in the six months that have passed since the phone call approaching the bridge.

Carlos would like to meet his birth mother. He even wrote that on his Christmas wish list. Deep down, though, I think he understands that she isn’t ready to deal with her own abandonment issues. They are both in pain, but she hasn’t had the years of therapy that Carlos has.

Over the past few months, I have spent many hours rehashing what has taken place. I’ve questioned each and every decision I made, over and over. But every night when I put my head on my pillow, I know that I have made the right choices. Carlos is entitled to the truth. As his adoptive mother, it’s my job to prepare him for the real world. Reality can be painful and we all need to learn how to deal with it and move on.

Carlos has also learned that being my child of choice rather than my child of birth makes no difference. I will be there for him whenever he needs me, and he’s learning to trust in that.

We’ll be okay.

Winter 2002 Adoptalk