TAPLINK

Support for
Pennsylvania
Adoptive & Foster Families

Taproot issue 43 - October 2002

Myths About Adopting

By Richard J. Delaney, Ph.D.

Becoming a parent demands a hefty dose of infatuation and temporary state of insanity. For all the rational explanation for why we do it, becoming a parent-even deciding to become a parent-often requires a hopefully fleeting condition of mental imbalance. We resort to reason, but, in the end, the decision is more emotional leap than logical step. It’s idealism over realism. And in the end choosing to parent is less about truth and more about myth.

Producing a child or taking on the raising of a child takes motivation and it also takes a leap of faith, a mandatory idealism, and a necessary bravado. Further, it takes reliance on myth, some of which can get us into trouble.

As we all know, a myth is a legend, a fiction, invention or fable. And as we all might admit, there is a certain part in each of our lives, which may be dominated by myth. One author alleges that all humans are guided by three myths: infallibility of opinion, irresistibility of charm and immortality of being. That is, we are always right, down right appealing and will never die. As a parent, one quickly learns that he/she is never right, sometimes unappealing and prays for premature death. So much for those three myths.

As parents or parents-to-be, myths abound: we believe we can do it; we suspect it’ll be full of wonder and we truly think that we can do it well. Although we may acknowledge doubts beforehand, at onset most parents radiate optimism and confidence. Eight of the most common parenting myths held by prospective and typically first-time adoptive parents are listed below:

1. You must be Kidding. Children can’t Really be that Disturbed. First time adoptive parents, when first provided information on a special-needs child with emotional and behavioral problems, simply can’t believe it. A child already disturbed by four years old! Psshaw!! A child who might refuse their love! Poppycock!! A youngster who has already developed entrenched behavior problems! Indeed! 

Adults who have not previously fostered or adopted troubled children often minimize, disregard, or totally disbelieve reports about children’s problems. It is typically not within their mental expectations about how children are. This leads many parents to believe, “We don’t need any help!” However, in short order, they feel, “We (and our adopted children) are totally beyond all help!”

2. Not in my Home. When the adopted child’s history reveals that previous homes have been disrupted, that the child has become unmanageable, that he has sabotaged other placements and that others have given up on him, found him too much to handle, they assume that in their home, it will all be categorically different. They could be categorically wrong!

3. Love is Enough. A common misconception held by new parents and also by inexperienced caseworkers, is that the reported problems of a child will respond to their love. Devotion, affection and concern for the child often fall short with troubled children when not augmented with an array of other parenting skills and strategies. A related myth is that if the parents and family offer their love to a child that it will be accepted and appreciated. That love will be bilateral, mutual – a two-way street. Too many adoptive parents drive the wrong way down a one-way street, on a collision course with oncoming rejection from the child.

4. Kids is Kids A most insidious and counterproductive myth held by many about special needs adoptive children is that essentially children are fundamentally alike. Accordingly, how we relate to reach and help a special-needs child is identical to the average child. A typical example of this is the neighbor or relative of the adoptive parents viewing reported problems as exactly similar to the typical child. If the adoptive parents report, “He is so full of anger,” the response if often: “Well, children get angry.” However, the child may have voluminous anger light years beyond the anger of the normal child. Some kids are kids times ten!

5. A Year for a Year. Some parents cling to the motion that for every year the adopted child was exposed to damaging condition such as abuse, abandonment and neglect, that it will take an equal amount of time to undo the damage. If the child lived with abuse for the first three years of his life, if he is then removed from damage at the time, he should be normal by age six!

6. You Need to Handle Your Own Problems. Rugged individualism is an all-American trait. Independence, freedom of though and a touch of daring- do all contribute to the myth that as parents you need to handle all your own problems. This myth may lead to problems when raising normal children, but it can be catastrophic in raising special-needs youngsters. Sadly, all too many good adoptive parents remove themselves from others and set about parenting in isolation.

7. Adoption Finalization Will Change the Child for the Better. Oh, if it were only true! If only that legal finalization brought finality to the horrific history, meddlesome habits, and chronic unhappiness of our children in limbo. Unfortunately, however finalization is really not the end to anything but legal status. In actually, finalization is inauguration, beginning, the resumption of a life-long journey for the child and his adoptive family.

8. We Can Change (read: Cure) All Kids. Pride goeth before the fall, and this myth precedes a close encounter with humility. Contrary to what we might suspect, some children actually thwart help, change, improvement that your family has to officer. For this reason, many families have to scale back, lower, or downsize their goals for troubled youngsters. One realistic adoptive parent vocalized, of “If I can keep him out of the cemetery, correctional facilities and chemical dependency until the age of 18 or so, I’ll be pleased!” Now, it may not be that extreme with most adoptive families, but the point is that we need to temper optimism with realism.

Adoption News , Fall/Winter 2001