TAPLINK

Support for
Pennsylvania
Adoptive & Foster Families

Taproot issue 46 - December 2003

Older Child Adoption
A Tapestry of the Ugly, the Bad, and the Good

By Susan M. Ward  

Older child adoption is a complex melding of joys and challenges. In fact, the issues surrounding older child adoption might be called “the ugly, the bad and the good.” Every parent considering older child adoption needs to read, talk with other parents, and read some more. And, one of the most important preadoption projects is to convince yourself that, “yes, it WILL happen to me.”

Some older adopted children slide into their new lives with little difficulty. These children joyously participate in their new family’s activities. They quickly learn the rules. They bond strongly, showing positive interactions with older children who have special needs, due to a combination of biological, emotional, and neurological issues, present challenges to their parents.

Grief and Loss in Children

Older child adoptive parents should prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Every prospective older child adoptive parents must admit that they may be challenged in ways they cannot fully anticipate. They will deal with grief and loss in children. They will learn about of trauma on children in their early years, about attachment and bonding, and possibly a new language if it’s an international adoption. The challenges may seem overwhelming at times, but the rewards will be great! Sadly, there can be an ugly side of older child adoption. It may surface as verbal attacks. Things like, “Mail order kid…ha, ha, ha” “Adopting! THAT will never work!” “You’re making a BIG mistake.” “A black child…!” “A kid from China!” Or, the ugly, side may come as a loss of friends. Friends may slide out of your life. Family members may not accept your child as equal. Or, the ugly may come form a lack of support in tough times.

People may say, “I told you so.” Or, “I thought you wanted this kid…!”

Adoption Disruption

And, the ugliest…disruption. Parents of older child adoption may, in extreme cases, feel that they cannot parent their child. There are some children who may be so damaged from early trauma of their lives, possibly mixed with biological disorders that make it impossible for them the learn to live in a family. Some disruptions, sadly, come about because the parents were not fully prepared for older child adoption. Not all families will experience the ugly side of older child adoption. However, most families will deal with one or more of the bad and challenging aspects of older adoption.

The adjustment period- the first one to six months (sometimes longer) that a child lives with a family, can be very challenging. Most parents enter adoption well prepared and emotionally ready to love and cherish their children. Children. However, often arrive anxious, confused, and grief-filled. These polar-opposite emotional states can create stress and chaos. Parents should set the emotional tone of the family by immediately implementing chore routines, establishing family rules, and imposing consequences for misbehaviors. They should maintain structured, simple lives for the first several months their children are home. Also parents should find ways to help their child deal with feelings of loss and grief, and, if internationally adopted, they should aid with the transitions to English while retaining cultural connections.