TAPLINK

Support for
Pennsylvania
Adoptive & Foster Families

Taproot issue 46 - December 2003

Making Your Home Therapeutic

laurie elliott

 The children entrusted to you come with unique needs, They often have faced the cruel, even evil side of this world before they had a chance to taste the sweetness of life. The unconscionable events of their young years wrap shame, fear, loss and pain around almost every aspect of this child’s life. This is what determines how he or she understands, views and perceives as normal. The intensity and horrific nature of the abuse, neglect and loss experienced cannot be ignored. It cannot be erased. If we do not talk about these experiences; help the child process these events; address these distortions of reality the child can never face them and finally be forever free.

Providing a safe, healthy environment if vital. This alone cannot erase the past. In face, the stark contrast between the past abuses and what is normal, often intensifies or triggers distress for a child. This may initially deepen shame’s hold, causing numerous reactions. We are always surprised by this. But, it is perhaps the first normal event in this child’s growing years.

Love is never wasted, but it is not enough. If love is defined in terms of just providing a new environment, it is not enough. This is worth repeating. Love is not enough. In all worthwhile relationships, love must mean mercy, compassion, honesty, communication and providing safe places in which to grieve, celebrate living as well as... yes, outing out - with the knowledge, I will never lose this love. If this is how we define love, it may be enough. Love, is only love, if it is unconditional. Our love must include the given, “even this may not be enough”. Real love provides all the things children...people need to survive and more. It helps children dig out the festering roots of the past, that threatening to rob all their tomorrows with yesterday’s ugly injustices.

Do you have “a dream”? Some of these children never dared to dream. It takes such courage to dream after life has been such a nightmare. Your dreams can never “come true” unless the child learns to dream. We must be willing to redesign our dream to incorporate theirs.

Are you long-suffering...with an agenda (again yours)? Children are experts at recognizing these hidden agendas. Agendas often include: our idea of how this child will love us and receive our love; behavior expectations; the length of time we expect for them to “get over” their past (which is always longer than we think, etc.). Our agendas create conflict within our children. They may decide, “I can never meet these”. “I don’t want to meet these”, “this is unconditional love? Get serious!”, or “So, how long this time before I get booted out?”. Having agendas as a parent is normal. Not letting go of them is lethal to making relationships with children!

Most of us can hardly bear the trauma our children have endured for hours, days, even years. But, we must! Seeing the world through the eyes of our children, we hope to teach them how to see the world through new eyes. So, too we must experience pain, their pain...and ours. As mothers and fathers, we believe, we can protect our little ones from things that assail their souls. Recognizing, that for this child, we were not there to prevent such atrocities is painful. We do not protect them now by pretending they never happened. Our hurt, our souls grieve and a certain parental anger arises within us. We would gladly vent our desire to avenge were we not “so sophisticated” or if perhaps presented a few minutes in some “moral free room”. So, we can vent these very real, very new emotions by celebrating everything about our child. The hallmarks of a parent are most remarkably noticeable when we grant opportunity for expression, no matter how painful it may be on the courageous road of healing. We sacrifice our desired “normal” parenting experience. Real parenting is all about such sacrifice.

This is tricky business. Our children do have a past so unique, so great, and so in need of expression. Yet, they are children. In many ways, they are just like all children. They need to recapture their childhood. They need all that is normal, basic and wonderful about being a child. We cannot become so caught up in providing the normal...that we avoid dealing with the “abnormal”. Likewise, we can not be come so focused on their “special needs” that we rob our children further of the normal childhood, they so desperately desire and need.

Just how does anyone face this challenge? The very first step is open, honest self-inventory. Does any of the above sound familiar? What adjustments do you need to make? The second is an exercise all parents should practice. Are you wearing a “superman or superwomen outfit”? Yes, the one with the cape. Are you telling yourself... “I can do this by myself”? Or, “we can do this, all this child needs is some normal family routine”? Take off that suit...even the cape! There, now you are ready to take on the world. You are going to be very good at this. But, you must never put that supermom...superdad outfit on again. You do need others, lot of others to support you, if you are going to support this child... this family.

Where will this support come from? It will come from anywhere, everywhere, and sometimes not from those people or avenues you expected. Oh yes, you will experience losses too. Some of the people, you counted on... will not have the stomach for this or the heart. They may suddenly be gone. It hurts. It is excruciating! And, it is so much like the experience of your little children. People, who were entrusted with the honor to love and support us sometimes abdicate. We can never replace the people. The people who grow up in our life, who just love us and our kids, do not replace our lot loves. We can never replace the birth parents or former foster families lost by our children! Likewise, those lost can never replace the people God sends to come along side us and love in ways we never dreamed possible.

Our children are unique. How did we get so blessed to enter their lives and perhaps open a world of possibilities for them...for us? How will we survive this process? It is a matter of perceptive, tenacity, support, respite, taking care of ourselves... and much creativity and prayer! St. Francis Xavier said, “Let go of all your ambitions, Come let’s change the world”.

Are you game? Yes, you are! Either you will become “game”...as in the hunted. Or, you will learn to play by the very new rules to the game of life, and by doing so change the world. Touching just one child’s life with merciful love...touch an eternity. It is a high calling. Many may be called, but few will answer.

Are you ready? Didn’t think so! Knowing it, is evidence you no longer done a cape. The following suggestions may help you begin this very awesome and sometimes exhausting journey. These are just ideas of how to begin making your home, a therapeutic home. Use them develop ideas that are comparable with your family’s needs and your style of operation. Nothing will replace the devotion, loving commitment and courage you have already demonstrated while pursuing your children. A therapeutic home is designed to keep these qualities alive.

These are the days you dreamed of, prayed for and thought would never happen. Live them with excellence! And, take all the help you can get!