TAPLINK

Support for
Pennsylvania
Adoptive & Foster Families

Taproot issue 47 - June 2004

It’s Vacation Time

School is out, the weather is pleasant, it’s time to take a family vacation to the mountains to the beach to Disneyland or to visit friends and relatives. Vacations are fun and bring families closer, right? Wrong! Families with foster or recently adopted children need to understand family vacations are stressful times. Before you make vacation plans here are some facts you should keep in mind.

Children whose lives have been disrupted by placement in foster care and/or eventual adoption are naturally suspicious of change. They function best in a consistent and predictable environment. Changes in routine, (even if the routine is only slightly relaxed) causes these children to feel anxious and threatened. They immediately begin testing the limits to see where they fit into this routine. Many children regress to old behavior problems in a vacation setting. Behaviors like whining, lying, stealing, lack of compliance, and bed-wetting may re-occur.

Control issues often surface when children argue, complain and refuse to obey even simple requests. Often it seems like they are out to ruin your well-deserved vacation. The truth is children who joined your family through adoption and foster care have no reason to trust you to make enjoyable choices for them. Birth children know from experience their parents will include activities which are fun for kids, will make sure meals appear and parents will keep children safe in a new environment. Adoptive and foster children don’t have this history with you. Their basic need for safety may be threatened.

A third problem is that vacations often involve a physical closeness which your child may not be able to handle. The confines of the family car, the same motel, guest room, tent or camping trailer may create anxiety in a child who is struggling with issues around closeness. When kids feel uneasy about a situation, they work like crazy to get out of it. The result can be family conflict.

The long anticipated visit to Grandma’s, Uncle Bill’s or family friends may be fraught with problems. Parents are naturally anxious to show off their new son or daughter may unconsciously pressure the child to be on their very best behavior. There is nothing wrong with this scenario except many children are unable to handle these pressures and react in negative ways by withdrawing or acting our. Many children feel unsafe with strangers’ even relatives. Children who have been sexually abused by family members, in the past, may be especially uneasy. Does all this mean you must forego your summer vacation plans? Of course not! Here are some suggestions to help make your summer outings more enjoyable.

1. Prepare the child ahead of time. Tell him or her exactly where you are going, what you plan to do, where you will eat and sleep, and who, if anyone you will visit. If you have taken that trip or a similar trip before, talk about it. If you have photos of other vacations, show them to your child.

2. Because of past experiences, your child may equate change with “something bad.” Emphasize to your child that he or she will not be left behind at home or “dumped” at your destination. Be sure your child understands you will all leave together and return together. Recognize the child’s fear of abandonment and encourage the child to talk about these fears and to ask questions.

3. Maintain consistency. The rules for acceptable behavior, as well as times for meals, and bedtimes, should be maintained if at all possible. Remember, children whose lives have been disrupted do best on a schedule.

4. Watch your child’s diet. Too many sugary snacks or greasy foods can result in upset stomachs or “sugar highs.” Many families carry a small cooler filled with mild or juice in small cartons, raw vegetables, fruit, meat, cheeses, and bread for healthy lunches and snacks in the car. It is also handy to have food “on board” in case lunchtime arrives when you are 50 miles from a restaurant.

5. Avoid situations, which may prove to be over stimulating. It may be best to postpone the trip to Disneyland or to a large family reunion until the child has been with you several months to one year. Keep vacations simple and as low stress as possible. Avoid long tiring periods of driving. Structure your time so everyone gets plenty of rest.

6. Warn friends and relatives ahead of time the visit may be difficult for your child and enlist their cooperation. You might say, “Jack has been hurt in ways you can’t see and he doesn’t handle new situations very well. I hope you will understand if I maintain the same schedule and rules as we have at home. He feels safer when I do that.”

7. Reward yourself. If you are tired and frustrated after months of coping with the demands of a new child in your family, use respite are and spend some time alone with your spouse or with a friend. A weekend with another adult away from parenting and work responsibilities is certain to “recharge your batteries” more than a two-week cross county car trip with the whole family.

Treat yourself well, maintain realistic expectations, keep vacation plans simple and enjoy your summer.

Reprinted from Growing Together Newsletter