TAPLINK

Support for
Pennsylvania
Adoptive & Foster Families

Taproot issue 48 - December 2004

Keeping Christmas Merry

As I walked through the stores looking for Veteran’s Day bargains. I couldn’t help but notice the decorations were evergreens, poinsettias, silver bells, and red and green ribbons. The intercoms piped in “White Christmas” and “Frosty the Snowman.” “How”, I wondered, “can we survive six full weeks of holiday preparations?”

As a mother I have always believed it was my special responsibility and privilege to make our family’s Christmas” merry.” The sooner I started, the longer the processes lasted. Bake three more kinds of cookies. Buy two more gifts. The Christmas season expanded until I was exhausted as the big day arrived at last.

Children are affected even more by this trend to extend the “Christmas season” from mid October to late December. The “hype” is simply too much for them. Foster and adopted children have been deprived of unconditional love and giving during their early years. They have insatiable needs for attention and “things” all year round. They are quick to balk when another child gets a much-needed article of clothing or an extra slice of toast. When they are exposed to two months of advertising “propaganda” which equates getting gifts with love, thing get out of control very quickly.

To complicate matters even more, feelings of grief and loss surface in all of us during the holiday season. We remember loved ones who have moved away or who have died. Feelings of melancholy are common in adults and children. For those children who have lost op much in their young lives, the holiday season may be especially painful or even devastating. Often they believe they don’t deserve happiness and will try to sabotage the season by creating chaos.

How can we survive a two month holiday season without exhaustion and/or depression? First, lower your own expectations. As the parent, you are not responsible for making everyone’s’ Christmas merry. You best meet your children’s needs when you are rested, cheerful and focused. Set reasonable goals and stick to them. Make a list of gifts for family members. Keep the number of gifts per child to a minimum. It is best to choose one or two durable creative toys which will last. “Stocking stuffers” can include a few inexpensive frivolous items and snacks. Straining the family budget by buying the latest fad toy is not going to make up for neglect your child may have experienced during holidays in the past. Your child needs your consistency, patience and time more than he or she needs presents.

Elaborate cooking and baking is expected during the holidays if you believe the covers of magazines staring back at you in the supermarket checkout line. The reality is, this kind of food preparation takes a lot of time. Most families with newly adopted and foster children already find there are not enough hours in the day to meet the needs of the children in their care. You are not a “Scrooge” if you choose to buy cookies and cakes. Meals can be fun and simple. After years of feeling frustrated trying to organize a formal holiday dinner, to choose a time to accommodate family members coming from different parts of the state, and to devise a menu to please everyone, I decided to really simplify things, Cold meats and cheeses from the store, bread, lettuce, tomatoes, condiments combined with potato salad for a build-your-own submarine sandwich meal. To my amazement it was a great success with everyone. Get creative. Break some of your own rules or establish new traditions.

Try to spend some extra time with your adopted child during this season. Try to be sensitive to his or her feelings regarding the past. Give the message by your words and actions that it is okay to think about people and holidays from the past. Take time to listen to his or her expectations of what the holidays will bring. School age children can be helped to understand that television makes the holiday season into a fairy tale, which can not possibly come true. Explain your own values around the real meaning of the holiday season.

As with vacations and birthdays, holidays are high stress times. Try to maintain your child’s schedule. Staying up late at night watching holiday specials on television is certain to result in trouble for your child. Children whose lives have been disrupted and confused do best with routines and consistency no matter what time of year it is.

For adopted and foster children, making Christmas merry means having parents around them who are rested and calm. It means having parents who will understand their grief when they recycle past losses. It means having parents who are able to keep them safe by providing a routine, structure, and patience at a time when life may seem out of control.

Parents who put the emotional and spiritual needs of their children ahead of elaborately wrapped, expensive gifts and gourmet foods are the very best. Use this holiday season to teach, to listen, and to build a foundation of love on which to build in the new year.

Growing Together 12/90