TAPLINK

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Pennsylvania
Adoptive & Foster Families

Taproot issue 49 - May 2005

Things kids wished their adoptive parents knew

1. “I need to know the truth about my conception and family history.”

At an early age introduce information about your child’s birth family. Give him appropriate information. As your child matures, give him details he can understand. Birthmother and birthfather should not be strange terms.

2. “Please respect my privacy regarding my adoption. Don’t tell other people without my consent.”

While openness is a healthy foundation in adoption, your child needs to know that you will not reveal her adoptive status indiscriminately. Give your child the power to control the sharing this information where possible.

3. “Please don’t say I look or act just like you, to the exclusion of acknowledging and celebrating our differences.”

Parents need to affirm the contribution of genetic gifts without, however, overemphasizing differences.

4. “I may appear more whole than I actually am. I need your help to uncover the parts of myself that I keep hidden so I can integrate all the elements of my identity.”

The three most important responsibilities for parents are to show unconditional support and openness, encourage self-disclosure, and to give unconditional love.

5. “Just because I do not talk to my birth family doesn’t mean I don’t think about them.”

An adoptee’s fantasies about being adopted may be both positive and negative. Be alert to your child’s daydreaming and ask questions such as, “if you could ask me anything, what would it be?” You may be able to go to that fantasy with your child and fill the legitimate need behind the fantasy.

6. “I’m afraid you will abandon me.”

For most adult adoptees the fear of abandonment has been a lifelong emotional battle. Demonstrate empathy by identifying feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of your child. Empower him.

7. “I suffered a loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible.”

It is painful to enter into your child’s suffering. It is so much easier to assume that all is well inside your child, especially if she does not show any obvious needs. Every adopted child has been wounded because of the loss of a birth family before being embraced by you as the new family. The first thing your child wants you to know is this: On some level I grieve, I came to you because of the loss – one that was not your fault and one that you cannot erase.

8. If I don’t grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and other will be hindered.”

Grieving is necessary, for it is a natural response to loss. If you can hel your child grieve the original loss from day one, his ability to grieve future losses will be greatly enhanced. Successful resolution of grief makes room for love to grow.

9. “Birthdays may be difficult for me.”

This day reminds your child of the wrenching –apart day. Recognize distress signals, establish special birthday rituals, ask questions, and give your child extra attention. Respect her grief.

10. “Should I decide as an adult to search for my birth family, you will always be my parents.”

To free your child from worrying about your feelings, openly discuss the birth family and give her assurance your love will not change.

Taken from the book “Twenty Things Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew” by Sherrie Eldridge, an adult adoptee.